Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Life Clock

I hear about women having a biological clock that they hear ticking when they think they want to have a baby. I have never experienced this, but I definitely have a "Life Clock" ticking in my head. Every morning I wake up and the first thought in my head is "wonder if the cancer is back". I thought this would eventually go away, but so far it hasn't. Every day I hear the ticking and it pushes me to do more, see more, experience more, because what if it does come back? What if it comes back soon? What if this time I don't survive it? Not a day has gone past since the day I was diagnosed when I have not thought of this. I can no longer just sit. Relaxing scares me. Doing nothing for a long period of time actually makes me very stressed and I am overcome with guilt of things I could have been doing or seeing. I have this constant need to do....to try something new, to call the people I haven't called, visit with everyone I haven't seen, and occasionally do something that scares me, because honestly, all of it makes me feel very alive.
Cancer has taught me not to take things for granted, the most important of those things being time. Yet it has also left me terrified of this clock that constantly ticks in my head......

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